If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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