it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
