those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
