I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
