Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you win again, gameday.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
