i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
