I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
