You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
