my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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