I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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