The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
