So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i dont even know how to be here
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
