I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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