That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
