I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The air was thick with penises
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
