4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
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