so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
