he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
