He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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