I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
