There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
