dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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