I'm eating all of the evidence.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
