If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
