oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
