He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
