My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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