I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
