I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
