He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
It's no shave November. This is our time.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
