so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
