You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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