the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
