I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
