My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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