So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
