1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
