I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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