i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
