I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
