WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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