just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Couch. On fire.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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