she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
