I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Randomize
