I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
