the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
