Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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