Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
