I love black thongs
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
