So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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